…And I Think My Daughter Knows It!
I was standing in my kitchen holding a baby bottle in one hand and my phone in the other.
Not in a rush.
Not behind on anything.
No one was crying.
Which, honestly, already felt suspicious.
And yet my brain was running like I had 15 deadlines.
When did she last eat?
Should I pump now or later?
Her nap felt short—does that mean tonight is going to be chaotic?
I should write my Wednesday blog.
Why am I thinking about my blog right now?
Did I reply to that message?
Do I even want to go back to work?
And then I caught myself and thought—
Why does my brain feel like it’s working harder than I am?
My Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open
Before having a baby, I thought being busy meant having a lot to do.
Now I think it just means having too many things living rent-free in your head.
My brain feels like a browser with 37 tabs open.
And none of them are fully loading.
Even when everything is technically “fine,” there’s always something running in the background.
Feeding. Sleep. Development.
My blog. My future. My career.
Whether I’m doing enough.
Whether I’m doing too much.
And the weirdest part is—
From the outside, it probably looks like I’m just at home.
Relaxing.
Which… is honestly kind of offensive.
It’s Not Hard in the Way I Expected
I always thought motherhood would be physically hard.
Like lack of sleep, exhaustion, recovery.
And yes, those things exist.
But no one really explains this part.
It’s not always hard in a dramatic, chaotic way.
It’s hard in a constant, low-level, never-fully-off kind of way.
Even when I sit down to rest, my brain doesn’t.
It just switches to background processing.
How long has she been asleep?
Should I pump now?
If I don’t pump now, will I regret it later?
Why is everything suddenly a future problem?
There’s no off switch.
Just… dim mode.
The Guilt… But Honestly It’s a Bit Confusing
I’ve noticed this weird, low-level guilt that shows up at random times.
Not dramatic guilt.
More like… slightly annoying guilt.
Like when I sit down at night to write.
Part of me is like—
Ooo, creative outlet. Growth. Love this for me.
And then another part of me is like—
You know you could just… sleep, right?
And I genuinely don’t know which version of me is right.
Because this doesn’t feel like “work.”
But it also doesn’t feel like “rest.”
It just feels like me trying to stay connected to a version of myself that existed before everything revolved around feeding schedules.
And honestly, motherhood has a way of humbling you immediately anyway.
Like the other night—
My daughter woke up crying in the middle of the night.
My husband picked her up, trying to soothe her.
Bouncing, rocking, doing everything he’s supposed to do.
She was not having it.
Full protest.
You could feel his frustration building.
And then he hands her to me—
And within what felt like three seconds, she just… settles.
Quiet. Calm. Back to sleep.
Like nothing happened.
And I’m standing there like—
Oh. So this is my role now.
Which sounds sweet.
Until you realize it means you are now the default setting.
At 2 AM.
At 3 AM.
At whatever time she decides.
No escalation path. No backup system.
Just me.
The Part I Don’t Say Out Loud Often
Here’s something I don’t love admitting.
Some days, I miss working.
Not the stress. Not the meetings.
But the structure.
Work had edges.
You start something, you finish it, and you can point to it and say—
“I did that.”
Motherhood doesn’t really work like that.
It’s the same loop, over and over again.
Feed. Change. Soothe. Repeat.
And somehow the entire day disappears, and you’re like—
What did I actually do today?
Even though you were doing things all day.
At the same time…
I don’t actually want to go back.
Because the idea of managing this mental load and a full-time job?
That feels like a completely different level of chaos.
So now I’m in this weird space where:
- I don’t want my old life back
- But I’m still adjusting to this one
And somehow both feel true.
“You Chose This” — I Know, I Know
There’s this quiet voice that pops up sometimes—
Well… you chose this.
And yes, I did.
I wanted this.
But I don’t think choosing something means you instantly know how to carry it.
Or that every part of it will feel natural.
Or that you won’t miss parts of your old life while still loving this one.
I think it’s possible to love something deeply…
and still feel overwhelmed by it.
So… Is This Just My Brain Now?
I don’t really have a clean answer.
No system. No solution. No “here’s what works.”
Just this—
My brain feels fuller than it ever has before.
Not in a productive, ambitious way.
But in a constant, always-on, slightly chaotic kind of way.
And I’m still figuring out how to live inside that without feeling like I’m always slightly behind… or slightly not doing enough.
Maybe this is just a season.
Maybe this is just what becoming a mom in your late 30s feels like.
Or maybe this is just me now.
I don’t know yet.
But I do know this—
If this is what other women are quietly carrying too…
it makes a lot more sense why we’re all so tired.
Modern Boss Lady 